Lulu AkakiAna was always beautiful. From the first time I saw her, I was hooked. She had this shy innocent look to her. I wanted to get my hands on her. Take away that innocence and be the center of her world. I wanted to mess up her perfect little world. I had this urge to be her everything, to make her mine.
I knew I was dangerous for her, but I couldn’t stop myself. I made contact and with her naive nature, she fell right into my hands. Little by little she came out of her shell. Did everything to please me, drugs, alcohol, sex in all the wrong places with the wrong people. Anything I wanted she did. This was wrong. I warned her about me. I told her to run, run and never look back. But she was addicted to me. She wouldn’t leave.
It was cool at first, but she started depending on me for everything. I was just in it for fun but she was ruining that plan. Before long, she was knocked up. I was furious, how could she let this happen? I was not fit to be a father. Not with the drugs I took. She was not going to be a good mother, not when she was high 24/7 from my shit. Why did I let her get hooked?
I was going crazy watching her swell up. She wouldn’t. No, she couldn’t quit the drugs. Not even when she was pregnant. It was getting worse. The baby came along, I can’t even remember its name. Did we even name him? We were too high to remember. He was innocent, but we had brought him into our messed up world.
I watched her breast feed him and I got angry. Her body was too full of drugs for that. She was probably getting him hooked. I remember her sweet shy smile. Damn! I really screwed up. I messed up two lives. I shouldn’t have touched her. Oh God why did I do this? Why didn’t she leave when I asked her to? I need to fix this, a plan forms in my head.
I gotta do the right thing for once. Ana and the kid will be better off without me. This is the right plan. I’m not convincing myself enough but I still go through with it. I leave a simple note ”I love you. I’m sorry”. She’ll understand. I walk into the bedroom thinking she’s blacked out after another hit. I close the door and pull out the gun. This is it, I close my eyes as I remember the good times before I messed her up. The last thing I see as I pull the trigger is her shy smile. The one that made me fall for her.
A loud shot wakes me from my sleep. Oh my god Stevie. Where is he? I rush to the bedroom and find him lying in a pool of his blood. Why? I loved him. I was getting clean for him, for the baby.
My hands shake as I kneel next to him. I’m already in withdrawal. I can’t be without him. He’s my world. Doesn’t he know that? I see the note and I know I have to get him back. I need to see him, hear his voice. He is my drug.
My eyes land on the drugs he kept by the bed. I know I shouldn’t take them. I know I’ll hear his voice when I’m high. I take one shot and feel nothing, a second shot and I’m still alone. I lose count of how much I take. I’m chocking on the ground, laughing hysterically. This is some twisted shit. I can hear the baby crying from far. But all I can think of is my Stevie. My body is heaving and I’m happy knowing it’s just a matter of seconds before I see him Foam is coming out of my mouth. I can’t breathe. This is it
I’m coming baby. Wait for me
I love you