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Hi mum, if you’re reading this then it means I didn’t have the heart to tell you in person. Mama, I need to explain to you in detail why I chose this path for me, to make you understand me.

I was always the perfect daughter in your eyes. I could do no wrong.  You raised me in a bubble, a world where I saw very little of the evil that exists in society. I was never prepared for this. I don’t blame you, I blame myself for not being strong enough. For letting you down.

Remember when I joined campus? How happy you were for me. You worked 15 hours a day to get the money to pay my fees. I could see how exhausted you were, but you never once complained. You did it all to secure a future me. A future that now seems bleak, nothing like what we had thought of.

I met him at one of the many clubs I go to. His name is not important. He was my fist boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first love. We flirted over drinks and I was hooked. He showed me things I didn’t know existed. I remember you telling me how men will use me to get what they wanted. That I should not give in easily. Mama, how could I say no when he was making me want all this?

A touch here, a kiss there. A whispered word of endearment and I was lost. I wanted it and so much more. It was the best feeling ever, I told myself. That moment of pain was gone and all I felt was the pleasure. Pleasure at being loved. Pleasure of finally being his woman.

I never told you about him. He was my secret, all mine. I was his from day one, nothing he asked ever got the response no from me. From sex, I was hooked on drugs. I shot up on anything and everything he gave me. All I wanted to do was please him. Partying all day and night. I was no longer your little innocent girl.

Mama I hid things from you. I never told you I was pregnant. I gave birth in secret all on my own. He left me when he found out I was pregnant. I look at my baby and I think of you. Mama, I can’t do this on my own. I’m addicted to drugs. I do anything and everything to get my next fix. My baby is not safe mama.

Mama, I know this is being a coward. I see no way out of it. Take care of my baby, tell him I loved him. That I did this for him, he was the best thing in my life. Mama I’m sorry for this. I love you. Please try and understand that death is the only way out for me.

Goodbye mama.