I must have cried every night, I felt so lost and alone. Despite the fact that I have a wonderful family, a beautiful job [that keeps me occupied] and the most caring friends one could ask for. The hole kept eating me, gnawing at my heart and self esteem.
I was lost, felt unloved, uncared for. Just me. Alone. Myself.
But I put on a facade. Everyone thought I was this strong, happy, satisfied girl. FYI I wasn’t. I tried make-up a couple of times but it did not work [me and make up really don’t mix!] I kept going to church, and I kept hanging with my friends and I worked thrice as hard as I could.
My quest led me to do many things. For one, I watched ‘the secret’. Yes I did! I hoped it would work for a while, so I imagined happiness, wealth and all that stuff coming back to me. It did not!
The question that played over and over in my mind was… “What is my purpose, what on earth am I here for?”
I had an interesting thought as I was reading through the bible once… even the greatest have been where I was. The downs, the outs, the questions, the troubling thoughts. It is only human nature isn’t it?
And the solutions offered today do not help much, no object or person can give one self-worth. Nothing under the skies can answer our destiny or purpose. Trust me I tried and so did one great man who documented it in the most read book in the world – The bible.
King Solomon’s lamentations talk about how meaningless things are, and he has a point. While we are on the bible, I learned a lesson… that even the men of faith in the bible fell down, but what makes them saints is that they got up again!
About the emptiness… If you must know, I found my filling. Yeah, made peace with God; and realized that He had been the missing piece of the jigsaw all along. Of course I get into those moments every once in a while but it does not last, nor do I have to cry hopelessly because I know there is hope, and that in spite of everything… “He knows my name, my every thought and sees each tear that falls but most importantly… He hears me when I call!”
It worked for me.