Kahenya Kamunyu is a hustler. He hustles 24/7, then goes home and feeds his gecko. He believes in God, not religion and has spent a lot of time with Buddhist monks, trying to find inner peace.  He found peaceful “sisters” so there was a win there.

Kahenya Kamunyu, all 4 Ft 2 inches
Kahenya Kamunyu

He doesn’t believe in love and thinks its a bunch of bullshit and propaganda invented by the Italians and Americans.

“No wonder they smoked Cupid afterwards” , he says,  “Life is to short to give your heart to someone who will fuck you up and break your heart, then make you lust for them 5 minutes later. Too short. YOLO bishes. And read my magazine, out every Friday

We had a few questions for him, and this is what he had to say:-

1. What was your first phone?

Nokia 232. It was big and it could only do two calls before it needed to be charged. It had a retractable antenna and it couldn’t send or receive sms’s but that was cool though cause there weren’t any girls to text in the first place. They were flossing calling cards and 5 bobs for booths, so did not work.

2. What do you prefer? Facebook or Twitter? Why?

None. I have no real interest in social media anymore because I think the feedback loop and engagement and direct effect is better on a one to one basis and I’d rather cultivate those kind of relationships. Real world relationships are more important to me, without then hassle of who has more money or who is dressed how.

I like hanging with people who are real, don’t care about what society thinks of them. Anything short of that, don’t bother. Social media makes things very impersonal and in the end you could have a lot of social network relationships but a lot of people won’t know you for who you are but rather what you are and anyone can pretend to be anyone.

3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

It would be somewhere by a beach, where its 24/7 hot. Drinking Apple Cider with a hot chick. And maybe a daughter or two if I don’t wear a rubber or if the rubber breaks. What? Shit happens.
4. Any question for us? We’ll publish our answer as well

Tell me about the day you were engaged?

  • It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

5. What would you do if you were president for a day?

I’d imprison all the MP’s, all civil servants and make sure they get whipped, then give the men a whack ass curly kit, with peroxide and shave all the women bald. No room for weaves. BTW, did you know bald chicks are MAWE compliant? Then I’d reset the governement with focus on 3 things, food (including water) security, education and health. This would develop our society and everything else would fall into place naturally. And deconstruct Konza city. What a joke.

6. What’s your favourite book& movie?

Book: Godfather by Mario Puzo and I have an original paperback 1st issue from back in the century.
Movie: The Maltese Falcon, Humphrey Boghart, you don’t get to be more of a man that this dude.

7. Who inspired you to do what you do now?

Kevin Mittnick, Linux Torvalds, Rube Goldberg and Captain Crunch (John Draper). What they did changed the face of digital technology today. They altered the future of technology from simply a standard mainstream to creating options. In one way or another.

8. If you were to change jobs, what profession would you get into? Why?

Lawyer

Because they wear nice clothes, have nice cars and I haven’t met a lawyer (male or female) who does not have a hot chick.

OR

Secret Agent like James Bond, yeah, I know its a fucking cliche, but who the fuck cares, do you see how many hot chicks he gets to do? And gets paid for doing them? For Queen and Country? And its not a jigelow thing either? Per Diem like that, I would be kicking ass too, and shooting people in the ass, then planting a gun on them (bonoko) then blaming someone else.

9. If you had a superpower, what would it be?

Teleportation

So I can go everywhere. I love travelling.

10. If you were deserted on an abandoned island what 5 things would you want to have?

  • A shitload of weed – Coz there is nothing better to do, so after playing hunter and gatherer for the day, or even fisherman, it would be nice to catch an island buzz and laugh. Good times.
  •  A seriously hot chick – Cause my list does not have a bar of soap or Vaseline, and you can’t talk to them or cuddle up so a hot chick will do. I mean, who takes Vaseline and soap to an island in the first place? For what?
  • A Bible – Yes, I read the good word daily, and incase I run into a bunch of natives with *primitive energy* I would thump them over the head and convert them, and turn them into Christians. Then I would start a church, get one of the natives to make me an amplifier and speaker, and solar panel and start my own Helicopter church.
  •  My gecko Rudy – Incase I get kicked out the “cave” by the hot chick, and we divide the island up cause girls get half of this shit when the jig is up, who would I roll with? Bros before hoes.
  •  Tissue paper – I mean, yeah, when I sit on the throne, I would like to have something soft to wipe with. Leaves, yeah, it works too, but since I carried the weed, I might catch a buzz, then get forced to sit on the throne, and seriously, if I mix shit up, I might wipe with poison ivy, and that’s just fucked up. I don’t want to be the guy who invented ice cubes in the middle of a desert island without a freezer, just to cool the nethers cause my ass met poison ivy. Fuck that.

11. If you were a car, what car would you like to be? Why?

A Morris Minor

Kahenya is actually working to restore one of these
Morris Minor

 

Why? It just keeps going, nobody likes it and it’s very straightforward and I’m straightforward.

12. If you could be in any band in the world, which one would you like to be in? Why?

Black Sabbath

Why? To rock with Ozzy Osbourne, he’s the king of rock. And it would be like a twist. They have a black dude in Black Sabbath? No way. But if it doesn’t work out, I will settle for doing tracks with Kamaru. He has a band too.
13. Share something interesting about yourself with our readers.

I have a terrible sweet tooth, I can’t say no sweet things, like chocolate, ice cream, milk shakes, yoghurt, cake, Milo, wait, I might be writing a whole blog about this one day, also I can’t say no to naughty light brown Afro chicks, Apple Cider, well beer, my Mum, a new BlackBerry (yeah haters, love hate all the way). I live with a gecko, and its my best friend.

  • http://www.techweez.com @martingicheru

    So you also go back on your words Kahenya? I thought you said you aint blogging no more? Anyway, that’s primitive energy right thurr.

    Maybe you just did like you do with Blackberries, chuck off the battery and start it back again.

    And Blackberry is dead.

  • nyawizzy

    A real maverick! A real one!

  • http://kikuyumoja.com jke

    LOL, Bros before hoes.

    Wtf is a helicopter church, btw?

  • http://nafterli.wordpress.com/ Naftali Thaithi

    Pwahahahaha! Good laugh!

  • Nic

    Finally I get to see something about Kahenya. Funny ass dude, nicest guy ever with the biggest warmest heart and real, not fake like the many people we see. A real heart breaker back in the day but a very dynamic head. One of the few guys I would like to be. Good to catch up with his quips.

  • Sheila

    Classic Kahenya. Even if your name wasn’t on here we’d still know who you are. You’re a brand all on your own.

  • http://URL Marie Rossi

    A mix of hippie, hustler, adventurer and gentleman. Always smiling no matter what. Very rare. Like @Sheila said, a brand on his own. Nice.

  • http://URL Bella

    Nice one. Say Hi to Rudy for me!!! Thank God you left S.A because i am sure i would have rotten teeth by now! Love the car…its so you.

  • http://raylitpoems.blogspot.com potentash

    The things you would take to a desert island jazzed me. About bros before hoes there’s a guy who said and quote “have you ever noticed the guys who said ‘bros before hoes’ aint got one.” Is that why you will bounce with your best friend only if you get kicked out, what if she wants to kick out your best bud.