She whizzed past the chattering children, past the tired cyclist, past the panting puppy. Oblivious to the golden glow of the rising sun, a sight she would have ordinarily stopped to admire and welcome, a sight she would have said a little prayer of gratitude for.
She did not hear the children say good morning to her, on other days, she stopped and high fived each of them; she did not stop to listen to the old market ladies’ warm greetings, or even for them to give her a fruit each. She almost trod on the little puppy that waited for her at the same spot each morning. She had a lot on her mind.
She panted down the side walks, up the rises, desperately trying to keep the pain at a minimum. The tears that run down her cheek were due to the stinging morning thin air, or so she kept telling herself. Her fast heartbeat was due to her hastened running pace she thought.
He was the reason she was hurting, and she needed to break the cycle. She instinctively looked down at her wedding band and for a fleeting moment contemplated throwing it away. Marriage. What was the meaning of the vows?
She had had it, the late nights out in the club, the disgusting tobacco breath, the random tantrums, and the sad look on her children’s faces. Yet, she dared not tell a soul. They had all warned her, everyone seemed to have a premonition that he would amount to this, or did they?
In the still of the night, I stand alone;
Underneath the navy-blue sky;
The night chill numbing my soul;
The silence driving me insane;
The night owl coos overhead;
Soft winds rustle the branches above;
I curl underneath the soft sky;
Frozen tears burn my cheek;
My lips quiver in desperation;
The night wears on…
The stars glimmer with hope;
Questions my stubborn heart;
Will the sunshine burn this pain?
Sometimes I wish you’d not shake my hand,
Because of the shivers that run down my spine,
When your palm touches mine,
And when your hand lingers in my grasp,
And our pulses seem to merge and beat as one.
Sometimes I wish you’d not look at me like that,
Because your eyes seem to tear through me,
Reading the secrets of my heart,
Unwritten, unsaid words from me to you,
Revealing secrets best left untold.
Today he left me,
And I wish it was only to another town,
I wish it was only temporary,
So that I could relieve the excitement,
The joy and sometimes pain I felt,
At the almost chances,
I wish he could hear me,
Tell him the truth I’ve held all these years.
I watch from afar the trains of black,
And wish I had been part of his life,
I see the flowers, the tears and hugs,
And wish that I were gone, gone with him,
Then maybe we could live the life that never was,
Then maybe I would not regret ever meeting him,
And not ever grabbing the opportunities,
Chances life threw at me through the years.
Pressed and crushed by life’s cares;
Stretched far, my frame tears;
Heavily weighed, my soul numbs;
Heavily troubled, my mind crumbles;
I try to cry but my tears laugh back;
I try to scream but my throat is cracked;
So, wrapped in my arms;
I rock my frame, my soul, my all;
Slowly swaying to my staggered breath;
Slowly repeating what I believe;
It will be over soon.
I must have cried every night, I felt so lost and alone. Despite the fact that I have a wonderful family, a beautiful job [that keeps me occupied] and the most caring friends one could ask for. The hole kept eating me, gnawing at my heart and self esteem.
I was lost, felt unloved, uncared for. Just me. Alone. Myself.
But I put on a facade. Everyone thought I was this strong, happy, satisfied girl. FYI I wasn’t. I tried make-up a couple of times but it did not work [me and make up really don’t mix!] I kept going to church, and I kept hanging with my friends and I worked thrice as hard as I could.
My quest led me to do many things. For one, I watched ‘the secret’. Yes I did! I hoped it would work for a while, so I imagined happiness, wealth and all that stuff coming back to me. It did not!
The question that played over and over in my mind was… “What is my purpose, what on earth am I here for?”
For the longest while i tried to fill the hole that lived inside of me with many things. I would invite my friends over for a day of movies, fun and relaxation and it worked. I mean nothing like a get-together with those that count to lift my spirits. Problem is, it only lasted as long as they were with me.
Then I realised what my problem was! I was not in a relationship… Honestly having someone that loves me, cares for me, calls me, and the works would fill the gaping hole, wouldn’t it? Then I got into a relationship that was bliss at first. I was constantly on my phone, happy, smiling; at least I had someone to talk to when I was down. But it ended, and I got into another one – with a more caring person, which by the way… also ended!